Vampires Suck

Director: Jason Friedberg,  Aaron Seltzer

Run Time: 1 hrs. 20 min.

Rating: PG-13

The Bouw-Man.

It was just a matter of time until they made a cheap parody of the “Twilight” films.  As with most films of this nature, you can likely expect a short run time (no more than 80 minutes) and lot of jokes that just aren’t funny.  After viewing the trailer for “Vampires Suck,” I doubt this will be any different.  As with recent entries like “Meet the Spartans” poking fun of “300” and “Superhero Movie” slamming “Spider-Man,” you are hoping that there are at least a couple of clever scenes that make it bearable.  Whether it’s worth the price of admission to find out, however, is clearly up to you and your disposable income.  One thing going for this flick is having “scene-stealer” funnyman Ken Jeong and “MADtv” alum Christa Flanagan as part of the cast.  Usually they are good for a laugh or two, but it’s hard to tell from the preview how big of a role they each have in this one.  Since the film is essentially messing with the “Twilight” series, and its teenage fans that can’t get enough, it will be interesting to see how many of these same high school/college kids will make their way to see “Vampires Suck” to join in on the romp.

Prediction.

You have to say one thing: With so many films these days going straight to DVD, it’s truly amazing how these parodies are still able to get a theatre run.  With no reputable stars to speak of, they rely strictly on “no-name” actors and tired old sex jokes to make it work.  You don’t have to like it, but somehow the formula must have a certain level of success.  Let’s go with a $14 million opening weekend for “Vampires Suck.”  

Opening Weekend Gross: $14 Million

Noodles.

I find it hard to express how much I regret watching the trailer for this movie. This is yet another Jokeless comedy by the Kings of the Unfunny "spoof" movie. Jason Friedberg & Aaron Selzer. 

In fact, I forgo the rest of my trashing of this garbage in favor of a well articulated article on Cracked.com that does it so much better...

How To Make A Jokeless Comedy.

Prediction.

It "sucks" that this movie will make any money, because it only gives these guys an excuse to come out with another mindless travesty 12 months from now "spoofing" Sex and the City or something.

Opening Weekend: Gross: $13 Million

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Twilight:: Eclipse

 Production Budget: $68 Million

Director: David Slade

Run Time: 2 Hours 4 Min.

Rating: PG-13

The Bouw-Man.

Although not quite as influential as the “Harry Potter” series, “Twilight” has established itself as a powerhouse supernatural movie franchise.  The books must certainly be popular, because the main three actors were pretty much “no names” before they lucked out and snatched the title roles.  Now, they can be seen on just about every magazine displayed in the grocery store checkout line.  Personally, I don’t understand the world’s infatuation with vampires.  Whether it’s “Dracula,” “Blade,” “Interview with a Vampire,” “From Dusk Till Dawn,” or “The Lost Boys, all my life people have flocked to theaters to see anything where fangs are apparent.  I know, fans will argue that the “Twilight” films are not just about vampires (I guess there’s werewolves too).  However, that’s what gets everyone’s attention.  Since I never read the book, didn’t see the first two films, I will stay consistent and not go see this one either.  The preview offers nothing that would attract someone who hasn’t shown an interest up until now, a reason to finally get on board at this point.  That’s not to say that this third installment won’t fulfill the hopes and dreams of all the “Twilight” fans who have drooled over its existence from the start.  It does seem to offer more in terms of action sequences than the first two, so now maybe the reluctant boyfriends will have something watch this time around. 

Prediction.

Strange statistics surround the “Twilight” series when it comes to predicting an opening weekend take.  The original took in approximately $70 million, and “New Moon” more than doubled that at approximately $142 million.  Both of these were released during the Thanksgiving weekend, so the huge difference cannot be attributed to release date.  Now it sits in the coveted 4th of July weekend position, so one would think big things are ahead.  Let’s say it averages $30 million/day during its five-day opening run.  So, that will put it at $150 million for the long haul ($90 million Friday-Sunday).

Opening Weekend Gross: $150 Million

Noodles.

I cannot express my complete indifference to this movie enough. Perhaps its because I lack the proper amount of estrogen in my bloodstream to really appreciate these Twilight films, I don't know. What I do know is that after I watched the first Twilight, I completely stopped caring what happened to these characters. I can't get over the feeling of what is so damn special about this Bella chick, that's got all the Vampires and Werewolves tripping over themselves to get at her. At least when I watch True Blood I can see the attraction of a Sookie Stackhouse, and I'm not just talking about looks here, I think her character is interesting.

Anyhoo, this is about Twilight. I think a new rule is going to have to be created for movies like this...The Phenom Movie Rule - This is where regardless of critical acclaim or great storytelling a movie will deliver a large opening primarily on the back of what has come before it, i.e. a popular book, or previous film that leaves its fans craving more. The Harry Potter films fit into this category, although in the case of Harry, the movies have been very entertaining.

Prediction.

As you can probably tell, I'm not a fan of Twilight so its hard to be objective in my criticism of its trailer. I will say however, that I believe that it will do well. Its just got such a built in, loyal following that its hard not to make money on this franchise. Considering that the first Twilight made $69M opening weekend, and New Moon made $142M, I'm placing my prediction at double the production budget...$138 Million

Opening Weekend: Gross: $138 Million

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